The Story of my Uterus

“I share from where I’m at, to give other women the permission to do the same.” – Lisa Lister, WITCH

This story begins in a living room.

It’s a snowing winter’s night. I’m babysitting a baby boy. His mom is magic. She gets messages from angels. She places a book for me to read on the coffee table. The angels nudged her to share it with me, she says. It opens to a random page. I close the book.

Time goes by.

Baby has fallen asleep.

I open the book. It opens to the exact same page as before. I’m clearly meant to read this chapter.

The Sacral Chakra.

The chakra of physical health and emotional well-being. The center of deserving and pleasure.

This chakra has been calling my attention to it for some time. I have endometriosis, a painful disorder of the uterus that causes crippling pain during menstruation and the risk of infertility. My womb, the center of my female power, has been ignored for a long time and is now screaming at me.

I turn to a page with the recommended earthly location for this chakra: Brazil.

I happen to be GOING TO BRAZIL IN 3 WEEKS!

Confirmation I am on the right path.

…

I’m parading down the bustling streets of Belo Horizonte under the hot sun. It’s Carnival in Brazil!

I’m here for a teaching job. Or so I think…

Life happens. I meet Brazilian women, I feel disconnected. I meet Brazilian men, I feel mistrust.

…

Fast forward 2 months.

Easter weekend is approaching. I want to do something special. I make a wish to find something that is nourishing for my spirit and connects me to caring human beings. I’m craving real connection.

An event pops up on my facebook feed: A Yoga & Shamanism Easter Weekend Retreat. It seems cool. I sign-up.

Then my subconscious freaks out. “Don’t go. What if it’s all boring old people? What if that irritating male yoga instructor is there? It’ll be a waste of time. Do something else instead.”

I make other plans. I decide to go to an amazing waterfall, the third largest in Brazil. I’m all set to go. I wake up on Thursday morning to grey clouds and rain. My travelmate calls and cancels. The weather won’t permit the trip.

Plan B? …well, the retreat I guess. I call the organizer and she arranges a ride for me.

Day 1 – Yoga, Vegetarian Food, Happy Hippies, a Buddhist Monk wearing orange who guides us in meditation, a woman shaman named Durga… feeling curious.

Day 2 –Trance Dance, Drumming, a Mandala Ritual… feeling very emotional. I’m shedding the layers, I’m facing my anger. I often feel pissed off and reactive in my life. Where is that coming from?

Day 3 – I learn about the balance of feminine and masculine energies within each of us. My balance has been off. I’ve been living solely from my masculine logical yang side, ignoring my feminine yin qualities: softness, nurturing, gentleness, creativity, beauty. The shaman tells me to recognize my beauty and to believe in it. She tells me to embrace my femininity, to open my vagina to the Earth and respect the life force it holds … okay, I’m on it!

I notice that my wish came true. I found real connection, first and foremost, to myself.

…

I return to my routine. I feel discontent with the Monday to Friday “it’s what I should do” career.

My soul longs for expansion! Something in me has shifted.

I attract a man into my life. An attractive, intelligent, spiritual man. A masculine man. This is different. I’ve often magnetized men with feminine qualities, to balance out my more masculine energy. This must mean I am more in touch with my female side. This is a welcome change in my dating life!

…

Fast forward 2 more months.

My best friend has just arrived to Brazil and we’re going backpacking together!

But before we take off, we are attending a very special ceremony with the shaman I met.

The ritual begins in a candlelit room in a basement in the heart of the city. We drink Mother Earth’s knowledge from small cups and let it sink in. I close my eyes for what feels like an eternity. When I open them, I feel the connection in the room. We communicate with each other fluidly just as plants do with other plants through their roots, through the earth. This is another dimension of existence.

A great healing happens inside me. I feel a rhythmic rising and falling in my stomach, in my womb. A powerful energy fills me, and cleanses me. My mind is out of the way, no thinking is necessary. This is a body experience. I embrace it.

I have the urge to dance. The music is calling me. I stand up and I begin to roll my hips, to move sensually to the beat. My body wants to feel.

As the ceremony ends, a street light filters through the window, projecting a line of white light on my body, going from my crown to my root chakra. A sign of alignment and healing.

I smile.

Two weeks later, I realize that I no longer have endometriosis. There is no pain anymore and I don’t need medication. I am healed! This is AMAZING!

…

It’s time to leave Brazil. It’s also time to leave my new yet short-lived relationship.

I return home to the Maritimes. Summer is in full bloom. Yet something inside me feels wilted. I feel sadness like I’ve never felt before. I’m grieving the loss of my old self, a more insecure needy part that wants to hold on to the story, that can’t let go of what was. A part of me that can’t accept. Can’t accept others and their life decisions, or accept myself.

I’m just not good enough. That’s why he’s gone.

I stalk his Instagram account. I stay up all night crying. I argue with my best friend. I cry in the rain. I cry on the beach. I cry in the ocean. Why is this happening to me?

This is a familiar pattern. The victim pattern.

I call him frequently. I search for reminders that he once liked me, that he once thought I was special.

Then I get a wake-up call, straight from his mouth:

“If you already knew how special you were, you wouldn’t need me to tell you that you are.”

It’s like a slap in the face. One that shakes off the dust and helps you see the truth.

I need to feel that I am special. To truly feel it. This is the stuff self-worth is made of. It’s deep, it’s not just a nice thought. It has to be felt it in the depths of one’s core.

I AM SPECIAL. Damnit, I am!

His words cure me. Instead of suffering, I choose happiness. I choose surrender. Life knows what it’s doing.

Just keep trusting. Just keep going.

So I do.

…

Tantra shows up on my path. I learn to use my breath. I learn to use my voice. I learn to ask for what I want. I learn that it’s safe to be powerful. It’s also safe to be vulnerable.

I tap into my sensuality as a woman. I discover that I first need to dive into an intimate relationship with myself, before I can expect to find this in a partner.

So I do.

…

Winter arrives again.

A new cycle begins, with a familiar friend.

I get a reading from my magic mom friend, the one who receives messages from angels. I ask about my Twin Flame. She says the angels are putting emphasis on spouse energy – the next man I meet will be more than a lover. They tell her that my soulmate may already have a son or a connection to a young boy. They are showing her the letter F.

…

On February 6^th, I depart for Cuba on my self-appointed-solo-travel-month-off-because-I-deserve-sunshine-and-dancing trip!

I enjoy many nights out dancing salsa and hip-hop with my Cuban performer friends, I eat a lot of rice and beans and veggie pizza, I road trip to waterfalls and hike through the rainforest, and I enjoy the beach nearly every day.

My life is awesome, every day feels like a blessing!

Then one sunny afternoon, I go for a lazy walk on the beach with a girlfriend. That’s when I see him: it’s HIM.

I feel completely magnetized to him, something inside me wakes up, I need to know this man, something about him feels familiar.

We place our beach towels on the sand a few meters in front of him and the other lifeguards. I make a move, I ask the group a simple question. Even though it makes me nervous, I make eye contact with him.

I go for a swim with my friend, then we lay in the sun. One of them approaches us to talk, then he comes over to say hi. The rest is history. The day ends with a sunset kiss in the ocean, and the promise to meet again.

Six months later, we are married. A magical beach wedding surrounded by our dear families.

Spouse connection – check

Has a son (and a daughter!) – check

His name begins with F (Frank) – check

Phenomenal! Thank you LIFE!

…

Today is Febuary 18^th. I met my Twin Flame exactly 1 year ago.

And today I feel fully in touch with my Divine Feminine power, my life force, my power to create. I’m the founder of two awesome businesses, I run healing retreats for women and men, I travel often, I magnetized my dream man, and now I’ve manifested the ultimate expression of creation: life itself!

Because today, I am 28 weeks pregnant with our baby!

This is the story of my Uterus.

 

Rebecca Tremblay is a Divine Feminine Goddess and Powerful Creatrix who has traveled the world exploring herself and building her spiritual connection to the Earth and its beautiful beings. She shares from a place of personal experience and self-healing. 

You can read more of her stories at http://www.quirkybikini.wordpress.com